


10 Stupid Things

by orphan_account



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Lists, M/M, Post The Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-17
Updated: 2013-05-17
Packaged: 2017-12-12 03:10:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/806499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were ten things Kurt wanted to do but he never got the chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	10 Stupid Things

Ten Stupid Things

He hasn’t done them. Any of them. Maybe he just dreams too big. Maybe there was never any chance.

1\. Tell someone about my kinks

It’s not that he doesn’t—didn’t—trust Blaine, it’s just that every time he got close, he’d chicken out, because there’s really no easy way to say ‘I want to fuck your face and make you cry, and then I want to tie you up and hurt you but you have to enjoy it.’

He’s sure he’ll never be as open with anyone as he was with Blaine, and it’s hard to accept that he’ll probably never find anyone who will accept that he wants to hurt them. He’s a freak, and it embarrasses him too much to mention it to anyone (let alone Adam.)

(The idea that he wants this comes from the one time he accidentally pulled on Blaine’s hair during sex, and the sound of pain that had issued from his then-boyfriend had sent him over the edge. He wasn’t proud, but it was— _is—_ undeniable.)

2\. Go through with them

He’s gotten close, a few times. When Blaine’s mouth had been on him, and he’d bucked up uncontrollably, but the tears that rolled down Blaine’s cheeks were enough to make him stop. There have been times when he’s been angry, rougher, but it’s not enough. Kurt wants to see Blaine—or anyone else, he tries to convince himself—lying, unable to speak from a gag, arms pinned to the headboard, naked and flushed and unable to do anything about it.

It hasn’t happened, and now it never will. Kurt’s too much of a coward to admit all of this; even to the man he loves (loved, he has to remind himself.)

3\. Go to Paris

It was Blaine’s desire, really: to see Europe, and all the sights. “Big Ben,” he’d said wistfully, and Kurt had smiled at him. “We’ll go to Paris,” had been his reply. “England’s shit, but we can see the Eiffel Tower, and that’s just as good, right?”

Kurt hasn’t told Adam that he’s not exactly the biggest fan of England. It has something to do with the kid in Elementary School who first introduced him to the word ‘faggot’. Little Mickey had no idea what the word meant, but it stuck with Kurt. Adam thinks he can charm Kurt with his cute accent, but the truth is that all it brings is horrible memories for him.

“What about Venice?” Kurt remembers Blaine asking. “Ew, canals,” Kurt had replied. Blaine had looked crestfallen, and Kurt had felt bad. It’s nothing to how he feels now, though, because he thinks he wants to be anywhere with Blaine right now, even England. Possibly even Scotland. He still draws the line at Africa, though. No way.

4\. Kiss on top of the Eiffel Tower

He no longer has anyone to kiss there. Adam’s not a substitute, and he never will be. It has to be with someone Kurt loves, otherwise it doesn’t count. Kurt doesn’t love Adam, and he never will.

He wants Blaine.

5\. Sing Come What May at my wedding

With Blaine. The words are unwritten, but Kurt remembers that they’re supposed to be there. Always. It was always Blaine, whose voice sounded just right with his. Kurt doesn’t like Adam’s voice, but he’s too polite to say.

Kurt hadn’t even considered the possibility that it might not be Blaine who he’d be marrying. He can’t imagine anyone else singing the song quite right, because it’s  _BlaineandKurt’s_  now. Everything else feels wrong, and Kurt wonders if he’ll ever stop being Blaine’s Kurt.

6\. Move in with Blaine in New York

Adam’s asking him to move in with him, and Kurt knows that this is New York, and that it’s quite crowded now what with Santana and Brody and Rachel and now Adam seems like a permanent fixture around the apartment even though Kurt refuses to sleep with him, so Adam takes the couch. But Kurt can’t bring himself to give up on this dream of Blaine being his first relationship-roommate. And it’s stupid, when he cradles the phone in his hands on Thanksgiving, and when he denies everything quickly on Valentine’s Day, to think that he knows he’ll give up one of these days.

Is Blaine willing to wait, though?

Kurt doesn’t know, and he’s stubborn enough to think that he’ll get over his soulmate.

He thinks that’s how it works.

7\. Propose to Blaine

They’re all about Blaine, now. When Kurt really thinks about it, the entire list revolves around Blaine. This one stings, though, maybe the most out of all of them. He was going to. He knew it. There was this one ring he saw, and it was perfect. But that’s all in the past, now.

He still wants the chance back. The chance to give that ring to the perfect man.

8\. Get stoned

They passed around a joint, once, and Rachel was reluctant at first, but then she was breathing in smoke like oxygen, giggling and liking Brody’s neck. Kurt had cringed at the sight. Santana had been more adept at handling it, but her eyes had glazed and she’d given them sleepy smiles and had genuinely complimented Kurt on his outfit.

Adam just got paranoid and tried to scooch closer to Kurt. The thought had been disgusting, the smell of smoke revolting in Kurt’s nose. Adam tried to kiss him, and Kurt had been scared. Because Adam’s lips weren’t Blaine’s.

It was all to figure out if Brody was really a drug dealer. Santana had insisted that they were ‘going undercover’ (none of them knew how Santana had procured the weed, but they were too scared to question her.)

The problem ended up being that in the bad chick-flick Kurt had watched the day before, the effects of cannabis had been listed with horrifying images of schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. (Well, Kurt might have imagined the images. He’s pretty sure, now, that all the movie showed was a brain scan.)

He’d bolted for his room, opening the window and gulping in relatively clean air (although this was New York, who was he really kidding?)

9\. Make Blaine proud

He’d ended up doing this time and time again, but he had insisted that it didn’t count. Singing a song wasn’t the same as  _really_ making someone proud, by doing something amazing and life-changing.

“You changed my life already,” Blaine had said, because Kurt had shared this desire with him. That wasn’t a satisfying answer to Kurt, so he’d tried to make Blaine  _really_ proud.

But then Blaine had disappointed him.

10\. Stay with Blaine forever.

Kurt rips up the list and burns it, tears flowing freely down his face.

The paper curls into the flames, blackening and dying, just like Kurt’s heart.

“Goodbye,” Kurt whispers, but he doesn’t know who he’s talking to. 

 


End file.
